It’s been 5 days since I was kicked to the curb like an old sausage roll (OK very dramatic, in truth I chose the final end of us, but even so, she instigated the break I just enjoyed it too much.) In those 5 days I have felt a whirlwind of emotions.
I guess at first, shock, 4 years together with her being the one pushing for marriage, kids and a house (we did none of this, thankfully) to suddenly out of nowhere being put ‘on pause’.
Then there was fear. Fear of the unknown, what would I do? Who am I? What do I want? Why has M&S sold out of Amaretto Fizz? All questions I had never asked before because I had spent the last 50 months trying my hardest to make sure she was feeling fan-frickin-tastic.
Third feeling was possibly resentment.. I’m ten years older than her, she took those last few years of me having smooth skin and my own teeth and screwed them into an Iggy Pop shaped ball (realise this was unreasonable, she didn’t take any years that I didn’t give). In truth I was mad at myself because deep down I always knew I could be happier but I didn’t want to admit it.
These emotions flew by in a matter of one or two days. By day 3 I was already feeling reborn. Alive. Happy? Surely not.. definitely tasted like it though. It was a Saturday morning. I got up early, drove to a nearby town and met my brother for coffee and Christmas shopping. The sun occasionally dipped out from the grey clouds, the air felt different. I only mentioned her in passing, no details, no lengthy discussions. I was already changing (am I being premature? Stay tuned for potential breakdowns). I messaged that PT I’d been watching on Instagram for weeks and arranged to start training. I spoke to people I didn’t feel it was right to speak to before ..*cough*exes*cough*.. As I sat in a farmshop cafe with my bro and my phone buzzed, he glanced over as a Tinder Super Like shone at the top of the screen. I laughed and swiped it away. I wasn’t looking but I was out there.
My change in mood was sudden and unexpected but calming and warm. Day 4 I smashed up some furniture that I had always hated but she always told me to keep, there’s nothing more therapeutic than ninja-kicking your size 6’s through Swedish MDF. I bought a second hand cross-trainer on Facebook and dragged it up the 2 flights of stairs to my top floor bedroom and slid it into the new space left by the crumpled furniture. I sent a video message to someone from my past asking if she fancied going for a socially distanced walk after Christmas – being in the middle of a pandemic means no rebound sex but that’s probably a good thing. I want to surround myself with good company and this person was always that. (She said yes).
Day 5, today. In the office by 8am, swamped with work before the Christmas break. I didn’t think about her at all. The occasional realisation that I was alone, a new feeling, but not that I was without her. She messaged me about Thursday, we’re still exchanging gifts and having Christmas Eve dinner. I don’t respond, not yet, not playing games I’m just indifferent to it all right now.
I do feel like we have been purely friends for a long time. The problem (or rather, one of many problems) with being a people-pleaser is you can spend years doing your absolute all to make another person feel comfortable, loved and safe, and not take a single second to consider how you yourself might be feeling.
I am taking that second.