That was too fast.

So my NYE plans were with the bubble-girl. However, the night before I started to get concerned about what I was doing. (Look at me thinking about my actions! This is growth!) She is honestly great. So much fun, easy to be around, gorgeous. I’d deleted my one remaining dating app a couple of days before, honestly wasn’t interested in talking to other people because she is supa-cool.

BUT-

I don’t want a relationship. I mean I do, I really really do, because I’m good at them and I feel valid when I’m in them. But it’s too predictable and it goes against everything I’ve said these last few weeks. My friends (most being guinea pigs but still opinionated) would legit roll their eyes and sigh with disappointment, again. And they would be right to do so. I am focussing on myself, remember? Why can I not last 5 minutes? What am I running from??

So, I cancelled. I would never normally cancel, even if I desperately didnt want to go somewhere I would go and then feel exhausted and annoyed at myself when it was over. But I did cancel (and I did want to see her) and it was horrible. I sent the text and then put my phone on silent and in another room because I am an adult.

Her response was sweet, I would have preferred angry. Seriously, tell me I’m a prick and block me, take this out of my hands! It’s really hard having a conversation about not wanting to see anyone, with someone you really want to see. I can’t convince myself she is anything but dateable at this point and that is of no help to me.

Oh, but I have seen her since and will see her again.. #onestepforward..

Christmas Is…. Chill!?

LOLOL remember my opening post about ‘taking a second for yourself’? Yeah remind me about that in a minute.

Waking up on Christmas morning alone was a new experience for me. My dating history has been packed, I haven’t been single at Christmas since 16. I woke up in my large clean bed, stretched out to make use of the extra space and sighed a happy sigh knowing that today would not be a stressful one. I wouldnt be worrying I was spending too much time with the wrong people, panicking that I was leaving anyone out or stressing that I was taking too long to get back to someone. This Christmas was for family time. I slowly made my way to my parents, we ate, played games, chatted, I went home alone. I don’t recall a single wave of anxiety. I honestly had no idea how much I have been sacrificing my inner peace in recent years.

Also, during all these new found chilled vibes, I started talking to a girl online (this is probably how 80% of murder stories begin). I dont know what it was about her because lots messaged me (not a low-key brag, they were clearly scraping the barrel) but I wasnt interested in responding to any, I’m looking forward to 2021 alone, remember? But this girl was beautiful and interesting and she grabbed my attention immediately. Messaging became voice-messaging within a day, that didnt help because her voice is fit. Yeh, voices can be fit. By Friday (4 days since first connecting) we were facetiming, the facetime call lasted 5 hours and stole all sleep from us both. By Saturday she was in my house.

The weirdest thing about the pandemic is choosing your support bubble. I live alone and can form a bubble with another household. None of my friends live alone and I dont want to bubble with my parents because I’ll be back in a busy office soon and couldn’t bear to bring anything into their home. So I dont have a bubble, and so it didn’t seem completely insane to bubble up with this girl I’ve never met (I know, its insane).

So she came over last night. I wasn’t nervous getting ready (why would I be? I dont want anything..), but as soon as she bounced through my front door in her metallic DMs and cute little shorts, a wave of panic struck me and I was scrambling for words. She is so much cooler, hotter and more confident than me, I felt bad for a second (actually, all night..) that I had duped her into thinking I was something worth driving an hour for. I am being SO careful not to fall back into bad habits or repeat unhealthy decisions. But as I sit here writing this post and she is texting me asking when she can see me again (tomorrow), I cannot help the fact I am just a little, teensy bit, excited.

….And this is the point in which I need someone to slap me.

December 21st 2020

It’s been 5 days since I was kicked to the curb like an old sausage roll (OK very dramatic, in truth I chose the final end of us, but even so, she instigated the break I just enjoyed it too much.) In those 5 days I have felt a whirlwind of emotions.

I guess at first, shock, 4 years together with her being the one pushing for marriage, kids and a house (we did none of this, thankfully) to suddenly out of nowhere being put ‘on pause’.

Then there was fear. Fear of the unknown, what would I do? Who am I? What do I want? Why has M&S sold out of Amaretto Fizz? All questions I had never asked before because I had spent the last 50 months trying my hardest to make sure she was feeling fan-frickin-tastic.

Third feeling was possibly resentment.. I’m ten years older than her, she took those last few years of me having smooth skin and my own teeth and screwed them into an Iggy Pop shaped ball (realise this was unreasonable, she didn’t take any years that I didn’t give). In truth I was mad at myself because deep down I always knew I could be happier but I didn’t want to admit it.

These emotions flew by in a matter of one or two days. By day 3 I was already feeling reborn. Alive. Happy? Surely not.. definitely tasted like it though. It was a Saturday morning. I got up early, drove to a nearby town and met my brother for coffee and Christmas shopping. The sun occasionally dipped out from the grey clouds, the air felt different. I only mentioned her in passing, no details, no lengthy discussions. I was already changing (am I being premature? Stay tuned for potential breakdowns). I messaged that PT I’d been watching on Instagram for weeks and arranged to start training. I spoke to people I didn’t feel it was right to speak to before ..*cough*exes*cough*.. As I sat in a farmshop cafe with my bro and my phone buzzed, he glanced over as a Tinder Super Like shone at the top of the screen. I laughed and swiped it away. I wasn’t looking but I was out there.

My change in mood was sudden and unexpected but calming and warm. Day 4 I smashed up some furniture that I had always hated but she always told me to keep, there’s nothing more therapeutic than ninja-kicking your size 6’s through Swedish MDF. I bought a second hand cross-trainer on Facebook and dragged it up the 2 flights of stairs to my top floor bedroom and slid it into the new space left by the crumpled furniture. I sent a video message to someone from my past asking if she fancied going for a socially distanced walk after Christmas – being in the middle of a pandemic means no rebound sex but that’s probably a good thing. I want to surround myself with good company and this person was always that. (She said yes).

Day 5, today. In the office by 8am, swamped with work before the Christmas break. I didn’t think about her at all. The occasional realisation that I was alone, a new feeling, but not that I was without her. She messaged me about Thursday, we’re still exchanging gifts and having Christmas Eve dinner. I don’t respond, not yet, not playing games I’m just indifferent to it all right now.

I do feel like we have been purely friends for a long time. The problem (or rather, one of many problems) with being a people-pleaser is you can spend years doing your absolute all to make another person feel comfortable, loved and safe, and not take a single second to consider how you yourself might be feeling.

I am taking that second.