The Things We Should Not Do.

1. Talk to your ex (who fucked you over).

2. Agree to a fling with a friend.

3. Chat up girls who are too good for you on the internet.

4. Think anyone is ‘too good’ for you..

I can’t even remember how my ex came back into my life. The moment was clearly not spectacular. We spoke a bit over Valentines weekend, which was a great weekend for me – I got sent love without having to give any – my ex seemed to be spending her days in bed, drinking, feeling a little dark. Eventually curiosity got the better of me and I looked at Facebook and lo and behold, she’s no longer with the boy she strayed with.

But the feels are not there. I’m not going back. You don’t choose a sleazy try-hard emo kid over your ‘soulmate’ of 4+ years and get another chance. Trust me.

And I should not sleep with my friend, but I will. I havent yet worked out if its because I don’t care at all, or because I am sadder than I let myself admit.

Cut to me saying this was a TERRIBLE idea a week later…

My confidence is pretty low right now. I don’t think anything destroys your self esteem as violently as being cheated on. So I’m giving my big talk to this absolute stunner, who I have only ‘met’ on social media so far (but she’s not far away). We’ve briefly talked about sex and seem to have a similar.. style? But do I have the balls to back up what I’m saying..? I feel meek, my ego is bruised. In my mind I’m pinning her down by the throat and whispering terrible things in her ear, in person I’ll probably make her a cup of tea and ask her about her childhood. Not hot.

In other news, I got home from work today, ran a bath and laid in it for 2 hours sipping Baileys on the rocks. Also had a few tokes of a smoke a friend gave me a couple of weeks ago. I hate baths, dont really drink and I don’t smoke (except occasionally with partners – flashbacks of summer ’16, I was seeing this beautiful woman while house sitting for friends and we would get high, have amazing conversations on the trampoline and then wild sex all over their house).. But I promise you this is not a slippery slope 😉 it was a stressful week work-wise and to soak, sip and inhale a little bit of calm was actually needed. I have a feeling this weekend isn’t going to be stress-free.

I wonder why I can’t just cut people out and be happy.

BREATHE.

I broke it off with bubble-girl. She did not take it well. My phone rang so much my lodger almost dipped it in yoghurt and threw it to the wolves. In hindsight maybe shouldnt have done it via text but I knew it wouldnt go down smoothly and I figured when you’ve been seeing each other less than a month, the rules can be bent…? Maybe not. But it’s done and I felt so much better afterwards. There were a lot of things that took me to that point but they are irrelavent, the important thing is, I am a free man(ly woman) again.

What else? Oh, if you ever wonder if your partner of various years is more interested in that emo-kid-circa-2003 than she is in you, you’re probs right. I had my suspicions but TBF wasnt too worried as he looks like a Good Charlotte fanboy and she ‘hates dick’ – I was wrong not to worry. Again, irrelevant to find out after the break up, but still a kick in the teeth.

Ego well and truly bruised.

I’ve put my phone on mute this evening because bubble girl, friend who is in lust with me and cheating ex are all messaging and to be honest, it all got a bit much. None of these people are my future so why do I entertain them? If I give a book to charity, I dont then keep visiting the store to read it, you know? Its nights like this I consider Tinder, just for some fresh personalities. I won’t though because look what happened last month, almost ended up wifed.

Today was the 3rd time seeing my personal trainer (on Zoom, of course). I’ve been working out religiously for the past 3 weeks and I’m really feeling the benefits. Mentally and physically. My abs are already popping back out as well (they never fully left but they were hiding behind a couple of Kinder Bueno’s). I also went for a little skate around my neighbourhood because the sun was shining, which was so calming. Despite having post-work out jelly legs and being extra wobbly. I’d had the ghosts of exes in my head reminding me ‘You’re ridiculous, skateboarding at your age’, while I tightened my trucks. Took a minute to gather myself but I just thought, fuck everyone and anyone who has ever made you feel bad for doing something (harmless) that you enjoy! Fuck other people trying to control us (**punches fist in the air**)..

I am so excited to continue getting happier, healthier and taking the reigns on my life. It’s been a sketchy month but at the same time, I’ve never felt stronger. ❤