We don’t owe anyone our soul.

This past 8 weeks is the longest I have been single in my adult life. I’m aways tumbling into relationships, often without realising. I remember once being away with a friend and checking my phone to see someone had tagged me as ‘in a relationship’ with them, without us even having the conversation. I accepted because it’s only polite, right?! Hell, I have been engaged 3 times because I can’t say no.

And because I haven’t been alone since 16, I feared it. I felt like me without love would be like Garfield without lasagne. Turns out this Garfield isn’t really a fan of Italian food, who knew?!

I’ve been trying to work out why I felt that I was only of value if I was loved, and I recalled a conversation with my Mother recently. She’d seen a comic book about depression on my bookshelf when she took some things to my house and assumed I was depressed. I received a text message from her saying something along the lines of, ‘you just need to find someone who makes you happy’.

Firstly – I am not depressed. I like dark stories/comics/books/films.

Secondly – I realised this way of thinking has been pushed on me since forever. I am in no way blaming my Mother because in her day the expectations of women was to fall in love, have a family, be complete. Be whole.

Thirdly – Another person has never solely made me happy. But I have drained myself trying to make them happy. I once dated someone who was self harming and I as I cried to my Mum about not knowing what to do, she asked me ‘What have you done to make her feel like this?’ There is so much wrong with that question. We cannot expect another person to make us happy and we cannot put the weight of their happiness on our shoulders.

In the last 2 months I have read books, got into fitness, changed my diet, found my self esteem, been a good friend (I am not a good friend when my focus is on love), met new people (OK this wasnt always a good idea), been happy, taken a breath and actually started to work out what I want.. I have turned down love, rejected good (and not so good) people, said no. I would never have done this before. I have broken hearts and not looked back. I have taken red flags for what they are, I have cut people out. I haven’t cried once. I haven’t dwelled on the past. I haven’t felt worthless. In fact for the first time ever, I actually feel worthy of something more.

We are the lead character in our own lives but so often we give other people the spotlight. And if you can do that and not lose your own sense of value, that’s amazing. I however, had no idea how much damage this was doing to mine.

Goodbye, lasagne. Hello tea for one.

The Things We Should Not Do.

1. Talk to your ex (who fucked you over).

2. Agree to a fling with a friend.

3. Chat up girls who are too good for you on the internet.

4. Think anyone is ‘too good’ for you..

I can’t even remember how my ex came back into my life. The moment was clearly not spectacular. We spoke a bit over Valentines weekend, which was a great weekend for me – I got sent love without having to give any – my ex seemed to be spending her days in bed, drinking, feeling a little dark. Eventually curiosity got the better of me and I looked at Facebook and lo and behold, she’s no longer with the boy she strayed with.

But the feels are not there. I’m not going back. You don’t choose a sleazy try-hard emo kid over your ‘soulmate’ of 4+ years and get another chance. Trust me.

And I should not sleep with my friend, but I will. I havent yet worked out if its because I don’t care at all, or because I am sadder than I let myself admit.

Cut to me saying this was a TERRIBLE idea a week later…

My confidence is pretty low right now. I don’t think anything destroys your self esteem as violently as being cheated on. So I’m giving my big talk to this absolute stunner, who I have only ‘met’ on social media so far (but she’s not far away). We’ve briefly talked about sex and seem to have a similar.. style? But do I have the balls to back up what I’m saying..? I feel meek, my ego is bruised. In my mind I’m pinning her down by the throat and whispering terrible things in her ear, in person I’ll probably make her a cup of tea and ask her about her childhood. Not hot.

In other news, I got home from work today, ran a bath and laid in it for 2 hours sipping Baileys on the rocks. Also had a few tokes of a smoke a friend gave me a couple of weeks ago. I hate baths, dont really drink and I don’t smoke (except occasionally with partners – flashbacks of summer ’16, I was seeing this beautiful woman while house sitting for friends and we would get high, have amazing conversations on the trampoline and then wild sex all over their house).. But I promise you this is not a slippery slope 😉 it was a stressful week work-wise and to soak, sip and inhale a little bit of calm was actually needed. I have a feeling this weekend isn’t going to be stress-free.

I wonder why I can’t just cut people out and be happy.

That was too fast.

So my NYE plans were with the bubble-girl. However, the night before I started to get concerned about what I was doing. (Look at me thinking about my actions! This is growth!) She is honestly great. So much fun, easy to be around, gorgeous. I’d deleted my one remaining dating app a couple of days before, honestly wasn’t interested in talking to other people because she is supa-cool.

BUT-

I don’t want a relationship. I mean I do, I really really do, because I’m good at them and I feel valid when I’m in them. But it’s too predictable and it goes against everything I’ve said these last few weeks. My friends (most being guinea pigs but still opinionated) would legit roll their eyes and sigh with disappointment, again. And they would be right to do so. I am focussing on myself, remember? Why can I not last 5 minutes? What am I running from??

So, I cancelled. I would never normally cancel, even if I desperately didnt want to go somewhere I would go and then feel exhausted and annoyed at myself when it was over. But I did cancel (and I did want to see her) and it was horrible. I sent the text and then put my phone on silent and in another room because I am an adult.

Her response was sweet, I would have preferred angry. Seriously, tell me I’m a prick and block me, take this out of my hands! It’s really hard having a conversation about not wanting to see anyone, with someone you really want to see. I can’t convince myself she is anything but dateable at this point and that is of no help to me.

Oh, but I have seen her since and will see her again.. #onestepforward..

Christmas Is…. Chill!?

LOLOL remember my opening post about ‘taking a second for yourself’? Yeah remind me about that in a minute.

Waking up on Christmas morning alone was a new experience for me. My dating history has been packed, I haven’t been single at Christmas since 16. I woke up in my large clean bed, stretched out to make use of the extra space and sighed a happy sigh knowing that today would not be a stressful one. I wouldnt be worrying I was spending too much time with the wrong people, panicking that I was leaving anyone out or stressing that I was taking too long to get back to someone. This Christmas was for family time. I slowly made my way to my parents, we ate, played games, chatted, I went home alone. I don’t recall a single wave of anxiety. I honestly had no idea how much I have been sacrificing my inner peace in recent years.

Also, during all these new found chilled vibes, I started talking to a girl online (this is probably how 80% of murder stories begin). I dont know what it was about her because lots messaged me (not a low-key brag, they were clearly scraping the barrel) but I wasnt interested in responding to any, I’m looking forward to 2021 alone, remember? But this girl was beautiful and interesting and she grabbed my attention immediately. Messaging became voice-messaging within a day, that didnt help because her voice is fit. Yeh, voices can be fit. By Friday (4 days since first connecting) we were facetiming, the facetime call lasted 5 hours and stole all sleep from us both. By Saturday she was in my house.

The weirdest thing about the pandemic is choosing your support bubble. I live alone and can form a bubble with another household. None of my friends live alone and I dont want to bubble with my parents because I’ll be back in a busy office soon and couldn’t bear to bring anything into their home. So I dont have a bubble, and so it didn’t seem completely insane to bubble up with this girl I’ve never met (I know, its insane).

So she came over last night. I wasn’t nervous getting ready (why would I be? I dont want anything..), but as soon as she bounced through my front door in her metallic DMs and cute little shorts, a wave of panic struck me and I was scrambling for words. She is so much cooler, hotter and more confident than me, I felt bad for a second (actually, all night..) that I had duped her into thinking I was something worth driving an hour for. I am being SO careful not to fall back into bad habits or repeat unhealthy decisions. But as I sit here writing this post and she is texting me asking when she can see me again (tomorrow), I cannot help the fact I am just a little, teensy bit, excited.

….And this is the point in which I need someone to slap me.