That was too fast.

So my NYE plans were with the bubble-girl. However, the night before I started to get concerned about what I was doing. (Look at me thinking about my actions! This is growth!) She is honestly great. So much fun, easy to be around, gorgeous. I’d deleted my one remaining dating app a couple of days before, honestly wasn’t interested in talking to other people because she is supa-cool.

BUT-

I don’t want a relationship. I mean I do, I really really do, because I’m good at them and I feel valid when I’m in them. But it’s too predictable and it goes against everything I’ve said these last few weeks. My friends (most being guinea pigs but still opinionated) would legit roll their eyes and sigh with disappointment, again. And they would be right to do so. I am focussing on myself, remember? Why can I not last 5 minutes? What am I running from??

So, I cancelled. I would never normally cancel, even if I desperately didnt want to go somewhere I would go and then feel exhausted and annoyed at myself when it was over. But I did cancel (and I did want to see her) and it was horrible. I sent the text and then put my phone on silent and in another room because I am an adult.

Her response was sweet, I would have preferred angry. Seriously, tell me I’m a prick and block me, take this out of my hands! It’s really hard having a conversation about not wanting to see anyone, with someone you really want to see. I can’t convince myself she is anything but dateable at this point and that is of no help to me.

Oh, but I have seen her since and will see her again.. #onestepforward..

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