Christmas Is…. Chill!?

LOLOL remember my opening post about ‘taking a second for yourself’? Yeah remind me about that in a minute.

Waking up on Christmas morning alone was a new experience for me. My dating history has been packed, I haven’t been single at Christmas since 16. I woke up in my large clean bed, stretched out to make use of the extra space and sighed a happy sigh knowing that today would not be a stressful one. I wouldnt be worrying I was spending too much time with the wrong people, panicking that I was leaving anyone out or stressing that I was taking too long to get back to someone. This Christmas was for family time. I slowly made my way to my parents, we ate, played games, chatted, I went home alone. I don’t recall a single wave of anxiety. I honestly had no idea how much I have been sacrificing my inner peace in recent years.

Also, during all these new found chilled vibes, I started talking to a girl online (this is probably how 80% of murder stories begin). I dont know what it was about her because lots messaged me (not a low-key brag, they were clearly scraping the barrel) but I wasnt interested in responding to any, I’m looking forward to 2021 alone, remember? But this girl was beautiful and interesting and she grabbed my attention immediately. Messaging became voice-messaging within a day, that didnt help because her voice is fit. Yeh, voices can be fit. By Friday (4 days since first connecting) we were facetiming, the facetime call lasted 5 hours and stole all sleep from us both. By Saturday she was in my house.

The weirdest thing about the pandemic is choosing your support bubble. I live alone and can form a bubble with another household. None of my friends live alone and I dont want to bubble with my parents because I’ll be back in a busy office soon and couldn’t bear to bring anything into their home. So I dont have a bubble, and so it didn’t seem completely insane to bubble up with this girl I’ve never met (I know, its insane).

So she came over last night. I wasn’t nervous getting ready (why would I be? I dont want anything..), but as soon as she bounced through my front door in her metallic DMs and cute little shorts, a wave of panic struck me and I was scrambling for words. She is so much cooler, hotter and more confident than me, I felt bad for a second (actually, all night..) that I had duped her into thinking I was something worth driving an hour for. I am being SO careful not to fall back into bad habits or repeat unhealthy decisions. But as I sit here writing this post and she is texting me asking when she can see me again (tomorrow), I cannot help the fact I am just a little, teensy bit, excited.

….And this is the point in which I need someone to slap me.

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